Expectations of Self

As I was listening and observing conversations during a committee meeting I was in, I realized how much I tend to push myself - and I hardly question my frequent disregard of my own needs. My body has been literally throwing signals left, right and center at me, but I have been choosing to ignore them, pushing myself as hard as possible - especially when my to-do list seems unending. My symptoms have been flaring up more often, and the pain is getting more intense. I often have this sharp pain where my muscle tear used to be. Literally, i feel like my back is breaking from the strain. 

I feel helpless with my own situation... while i notice that i'm doing other stuff to feel some sense of control. I've barely been earning an income, but i've been busy with my initiative. Don't get me wrong, I love what i'm doing.. but i recognize that this is not sustainable for the long run. But sometimes I ask myself - how much time do I have left? And with the way I'm doing things, I may just be quickening my death. 

I notice that I'm quick to put on a facade. That's just me, really. I've been avoiding telling people about how I'm really doing, at times just oversimplifying what's happening or just sidestepping the question about my wellbeing entirely. 

The cracks in my system is becoming more apparent. It's getting harder to cope. :( 

The Beauty and Complexity of Life

Got to watch this fascinating movie with Kat recently, titled "Everything Everywhere All at Once", starring our very own Michelle Yeoh who did an awesome job, I have to say. After the movie, it got me thinking about how life would have been different if I made different choices, or if my circumstances were altered, even just the slightest bit. 

Sometimes I teether between the reality of my deteriorating body and being hopeful that my determination to live will help me conquer this "battle". But then I'm grounded by news of the passing of people who have my condition. And it makes me appreciate how life is really so precious. I know that many will say that being 37, i'm still young - my mind agrees but my body, not so much. But to compare myself with, say, an 8 year old child who lost his life to this disease, I've have the opportunity to experience life more than him. Both the good and the bad experiences, of course..

It got me to think, what if I was diagnosed earlier or if my illness progressed much faster when I was a child? I believe I would have very drastically different life experiences if that were the case. My life would have headed to very different tangents. My friends that I cherish with my life, may not even be present as I may not have had met them. 

That said, this could go on to an endless spiral of unhelpful "what ifs". But I'm thankful for the life experiences I've had so far. It's not been an easy journey, but again... I wouldn't trade the connections I've made with people I care deeply for. Sure, there are some relationships that have faded, some experiences that were painful. But that's the reality of being human. 

I know I have the tendency to fall into bouts of low moods, and to see things from a bleak perspective, especially when times get really difficult. And i'm OK with that. I know that I need that space to grief. But I do worry that I may end up depressing others and contributing to their sense of helplessness. Something switched in me this week though. After listening to the song, "Almost Home", I really did get a second wind in some ways, when I wanted to try to persevere and press on albeit the exhaustion and literal physical pain i'm experiencing 24/7. But I hope that I can continue to be authentic with myself and others. To take in every experience as a God-given gift, and to continue to make memories and make meaning in life. 

Lord, please grant me strength and wisdom to live each day as my last - that I won't take my life for granted and that I will appreciate the little things.  

Conversations with Myself & God

I tend to be really hard on myself while being compassionate and more understanding towards other people who may be in similar predicaments as I am. 

These few months have been challenging. I have been wrestling with God and myself as I try to make sense of what's happening to me, particularly my physical health. And I see the impact it has on my mental and emotional health as well. Its times like these, that makes me glad that I'm a psychologist as my training has taught me to be reflective. 

To counter my unrealistic expectations of myself, I have recently started this practice of writing notes to myself - words of affirmation, and to normalize and empathize with myself the grief I have been feeling. I'm giving myself the safe space to grieve and mourn with myself, as I recognize my ability to function seems to be chipping away, and more things going wrong for my body, and not to mention the more frequent hospital trips - whether its the ER or my follow-up appointments. 

I was in a dark place yesterday, as I noticed that I'm not able to do as much as I would like to due to my constant exhaustion. Not gonna lie, but the days have been getting hard to get by. Time is zooming past but I feel stuck. And the pain is becoming more intense. At times, I sense that I'm losing the determination to fight, to stay alive, and to make meaning amidst all these difficulties. In the past, I would be riddled with guilt and shame but thanks to my self-talk, I was able to regulate my emotions a little better. Don't get me wrong, I do still feel the negative emotions, they just don't feel as overwhelming as they would be in the past. And I feel that God has been reaching out to me too. I was comforted yesterday and was brought to tears as I listened to Mercy Me's "Almost Home". I've shared it here before. But I just felt that the lyrics resonated so deeply within me.

Are you disappointed?
Are you desperate for help?
You know what it's like to be tired
And only a shell of yourself
Well, you start to believe
You don't have what it takes
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to move, much less finish the race
But don't forget what lies ahead

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

Well, this road will be hard
But we win in the end
Simply because of Jesus in us
It's not if, but when
So take joy in the journey
Even when it feels long
Oh, find strength in each step
Knowing Heaven is cheering you on

I know that the cross has brought Heaven to us
Make no mistake, there's still more to come
When our flesh and our bone are no longer between
Where we are right now and where we're meant to be
When all that's been lost is made whole again
When these tears and this pain no longer exist
No more walking, we're running as fast as we can
Consider this our second wind

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

I felt as if God acknowledged my struggle and wanted to grant me hope to persevere, and that He would be right beside me. He has blessed me with amazing friends who have been supportive of me in their own unique ways too. This helps tremendously. 

One thing I've noticed throughout this journey is that I have been learning to balance my thoughts, so that they aren't just flooded by negativity. But its also about recognizing the blessings I've received. I've also been giving space for myself to feel. To accept the emotions that course through my system, and to hold space for me to experience the many emotions I have, at any given time.   

My Values

I had a conversation recently with Jon, a childhood friend of mine. As kids, we played a lot together and as we grew older, we began having more heart to heart conversations. Recently, he touched base with me and we got to the topic of living according our values. 

Ever since I adopted the ACT approach, this was something I personally practiced. And as I reflected deeper, I realize I could boil down my values to one word.

CONNECTION

Being able to interact with people and God (and dogs!) in meaningful ways - whether through heartfelt conversations, quality time spent doing anything/nothing, helping/empowering others to reach their potential, advocating for the voiceless, comfortably spending time with myself, and commune deeply with God.

Admittedly, in the past, I was just really fixed in being a helper as that is what i'm passionate about.. and when my body started deteriorating, it really messed with my identity as a "useful/helpful" person. but after much wrestling with God and myself, I've accepted that I can still do what I'm passionate about.. just that it will look different that what i envisioned it to be 10-20 years ago..

That said, God in His grace and mercy, has allowed me to still have some semblance to what I dream to do with Safe Haven. It's more than I could have imagined it to be. The 10+ year wait was needed for me to remain focused that this is His ministry and not mine. 

When I think of connection, I think of the many dear friends that I have. Friends that I am blessed to have. Ones that I can go crazy with, and within a split second, we could provide the safe space for vulnerability to present itself. 

As I shared this with my friend, he affirmed me without hesitation, sharing that I'm a wonderful and great person, having always been a blessing to everyone and anyone around me. Such encouraging words that mean so much. 

Life has been difficult, recent times much more so. But then again, I see how God has been with me every step of the way as well. And i'm so grateful that even in my darkest moments - when I feel isolated, I'm not actually alone. I have friends who are banding around me, being my support system. And I have a God who hears my cries and frustrations. 

I Lie Awake

It is 4.28am in the morning and I am still awake. The physical pain I'm experiencing is keeping me from sleeping. I can feel the fatigue in my brain, and yet my body is unable to rest due to the discomfort. As I try to turn to the Bible for solace.. I am directed to two Bible verses. The first being Psalm 4:8.

Whenever I read this verse, I am transported back to the eve of my first brain surgery. This verse meant alot to me and it gave me tremendous peace as I prepared myself to go under the knife. And it also reminds me of Steve Green's voice, the snippet he shared before the kids sang this verse.
"Peace is a safe, calm feeling. God gives His children peace when they trust Him. No big fortress or a mighty army could keep us any safer. So, no matter where you are... or what problems you have, you can sleep peacefully because He, is watching over you"

Such assurances that enveloped me. As I listen to the song again now, i recognize that my heart is at peace... but my body is still suffering. And I realize that these two can go hand in hand and it doesn't have to be exclusive of each other. Peace doesn't mean that I am relieved of my physical pain. But what helps is knowing that God is still in control and that He is watching over me, despite the pain. 

The second verse was Romans 8:18 ~ "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"

This verse helps me to refocus on what is important. I am by no means dismissing my discomfort and struggle. I definitely do still struggle to adapt to this New Me again. But what a joy it is to be able to look forward to the future, while remaining steadfast in my hope in my Abba Father. 

Lord, please grant me a good night's rest as I remind myself of Your everlasting love and providence. I pra too that you will sustain me as I make my way to the hospital for my lung checkup later in the day. I also pray that You will help ease the discomfort in the other parts of my body - from my gasping brain, the heaviness in my chest, my breathlessness, my tingling arm and leg, the dull ache in my abdomen, and the bleeding I am experiencing again - Lord, I just surrender all these broken and impaired parts to You. 

Fragility of Life

 I'm still very much in shock as I try to grasp with a death that occurred so swiftly. Uncle Loi has been such a great help to me and my family the past months, as I struggled to be the sole caregiver of my parents, and as I grappled with my health issues. Even though I've been accumulating more and more diagnoses, I'm still here and for the most part, I don't look sick (or I try to not look sick). Uncle Loi was diagnosed with 4th stage pancreatic cancer mid February - he didn't have any symptoms prior to his blood test cancer marker suggesting that he had cancer,, later it had spread to his lungs. And it went downhill from there. And today, we received news that he had gone home to be with the Lord in the early morning. All this happened within a month. 

I'm filled with grief - for a Christian brother/uncle who has been generous of his time with my family. On one hand, I'm glad that his suffering was not prolonged, but on the otherhand, I wonder why he was taken so quickly. I can only imagine the heartache of his family. This loss felt so abrupt.

What is God's Will in these matters of terminal illness? I know I will never comprehend God's big picture in its fullness. I wonder why I'm spared from death at this point in time when my so many parts of my body is just going haywire. To some extent, I recognize that I'm experiencing survivor's guilt. The same guilt I felt when aunty SY passed away. Again, someone who was praying hard for my recovery, and she passed on from cancer as well. "It could have been me" is something that pops up in my mind. 

Again, I don't know why these things happen but I pray that I won't take life for granted and that I can live it to the full while I can. This recent hospitalization, current bleeding, poor memory and word recall i'm experiencing has made me realize that i'm on a decline myself. I take much longer to recover from activities while my body feels heavy and drained all the time. How do I function in such cases? Do I try to push myself to engage? Or do I just rest? But how much rest is needed? Even with 3 weeks of rest, I am still feeling like i'm at square one. It doesn't help that I don't look sick and my pain threshold is high. 

Reflections after a month of recuperation

 It's been a month since I have been hospitalized, even monitored in the ICU. As I reflected on my recent health crises, my hospitalizations seem to become more serious as time passes by.

I've been resting at A's place since my discharge, and I've not had so much rest in a long time. Yet, I still feel my symptoms, in varying intensities. I have been taking stock of how my word recall has been declining and my ability to multitask is practically nonexistent now as my attention is impacted. I can't even remember the one thing I was doing - my working memory is shot.

It just reminds me that my condition is chronic. It's something I have to learn to live with, to adapt to. And I go through the grieve process again as I reconsider what I have to let go, and what I'd like to cling onto.

A said that its amazing how I'm still attempting to do what I do - with my conditions, she would not have blamed me if I just want to lie down and give the excuse that i'm unwell. But i'm still trying to soldier on. And sometimes I think it's to my own detriment that I don't do sick very well. I'm able to mask my pain and discomfort quite well when its not too intense. 

It dawned on me that if I don't want to go back to the hospital, I really do need to set and manage my boundaries better. Pushing myself too hard will just land me into trouble. and at this point, I can't afford it anymore, for the sake of my body, my wallet, and for what i want to do.

Be Still, My Soul (Thy Lord is on Thy Side)

Sometimes I teether between frustration and acceptance. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being morbid. Sometimes, I want to just focus on what I can do now. Sometimes, I feel confused, unsure what is to happen next. Sometimes, I'm reminded to just be, and be present. Sometimes, when I'm reminded by certain deep, personal conversations, my heart grieves as I recognize that others are impacted by my health conditions. 

Many emotions run through me. And sometimes I wonder if my body is reacting to these emotions. I find myself bargaining with God whenever the symptoms intensify - "No, God... no more hospitalizations. I don't want to be stuck in the hospital. Please let me recover so I can get back to doing the work You have granted me". This has truly been an experience of surrendering my entire being to Him, to trust that He will provide what is needed, that He will grant my tired body, strength.

Time and time again, I'm reminded to be still and know He is God. In fact, just today, I was wondering whether my deteriorating processing speed and slow word recall is a way for God to slow me down. I used to multitask and not be mindful. But now, I am practically forced to take my time so I can get through the day. 

Anyway, as I was reflecting on this... this song came to my mind. Another apt way that the Lord reaches me. 

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul, The Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God, to order and provide
In every change, He faithful will remain
Be still, my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul, the waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul
Be still, my soul
Be still, my soul

Tough Decisions

My latest hospitalization, the first for year 2022 - I may have a condition called Vertebrobasilar Insufficiency (VBI). Why it's not conclusive is because my brain scans seem clear, however, my symptoms match the diagnosis of VBI - dizziness, nausea, vomitting, poor memory and word recall, etc. It has come to a point that my illnesses are so complex that it is hard to pinpoint the exact medical condition that is contributing to the symptoms. 

As my medical symptoms and hospitalizations increase, I find myself making difficult decisions - stopping medical investigations, finalizing my will, exploring medical ID bracelets in the event that I collapse, etc. I realize these decisions in itself contributes to some emotional responses on my part - but due to my acceptance of my condition, it isn't overwhelming on its own, but I'm heartbroken as I recognize the impact these decisions have on the people I care dearly for. 

In a span of 24 hours, I had 3 different conversations - each with their own level of grief and heartache. I really appreciate the openness we can have to process/talk about concerns and their own experience/pain as they journey alongside me. And as I reflect on these conversations, it hurts knowing that I'm contributing to their pain, not intentionally, of course, but my protective self wants to comfort these individuals. And yet, I want to stay true to myself and the path that I feel God has paved for me, with the time I have left. 

On one hand, I notice that whenever I reflect on wrapping loose ends, there is no grief of a possible end of life... but whenever I think of how my loved ones would be affected by my passing, that's when my grief surfaces.  The thing is, none of us (except God) knows when I'm dying. But I guess my deterioration makes it more frightening and the thought more plausible. 

That said, I feel torn.  I find myself being mindful not to utter promises I may not be able to keep. For the most part, I tend to omit some information as I don't want to worry my loved ones while also trying to be honest. My condition has become so complex that investigations feel endless, and it contributes to my life being put to a halt, and I'm not able to do what I hope to do. 

As I brought this to God today, these two verses emerged and it brought peace to me. It was a reminder that I can continue to look to Him for guidance and He will direct my steps. 

Psalms 105:4 - Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart, man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps

As i considered these verses and the assurance I felt, this hymn popped in my mind which I'd like to leave here for my own remembrance.

I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine,
For its skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter;
Every cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky. 

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

God Still Reigns

18th February 2022.

The day I was hospitalized due to my left arm and leg having tingling sensations and numbing, the room felt like it was spinning 360 degrees, dizziness, nausea and vomitting. There were concerns of a possible stroke/brainbleed. As days passed, my vitals went wild and I experienced all kinds of symptoms.

Long story short, my brain was ruled out as the culprit, but I was referred to a cardiologist. I felt really unsettled, as I considered - what am I doing? Do I want to continue with this? After much prayer and consideration, I asked God to take over - If it is God's Will for me to follow through with all these investigations, my insurance will give the greenlight for the tests to happen. 

The tests were not passed by the insurance.

And I felt at peace to inform the specialists that I would like to take a break from these assessments and would like to be discharged when my vitals stablizes. 

On that very day itself, my supervisee reminded me of a post that I had wrote on FB that had encouraged her, and she sensed that I needed the same encouragement. The Lord truly works in mysterious ways to reach out to me. The Bible verse I had shared was spot on.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Bible Verse of the day is Psalm 73:26 ~ "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever".

A very apt verse to end the year 2021 and begin 2022 with. Truly this has been a difficult year in all aspects, especially my health. Yet, a reminder that kept popping up for me throughout the year of 2021: God is my firm foundation, the rock of my heart, able to bear my weight and my burden, and I will not sink or be swept away by the raging torrents if I find my footing in Him. And He has shown His faithfulness, providence and assurance, time and time again in different ways - answered prayers, Bible verses that keeps me grounded, loving friends, meaningful gospel songs, etc.

A challenge I struggle with is to surrender. While He promises to carry me through and guide my every step, I find my fallen nature to hang on and take/keep control of the situation getting in the way. That said, I'm grateful God is VERY patient and will not give up on me. I pray that this is something I'll work on for year 2022 - to mindfully let go and let God take charge and to trust His plans for me.

A song by Philippa Hanna ("You're Still God") has been playing in my brain and it's an apt song to supplement my 2021 Reflections.
~~~~~

When all foundations have been shaken
When I'm left standing in the dark
And all I feel is my heart breaking
You still reign and You're still God

And when it feels all hope has faded
The heavy questions hit so hard
And though my soul may feel forsaken
You still reign and You're still God

Though I can't see what's before me
I know that I can trust Your Heart
And this one truth will be my story
That You still reign and You're still God

I will declare that You are with me
Though voices whisper that You're not
You'll never leave me nor forsake me
'Cause You still reign and You're still God

And when my enemies surround me
I'll trust the victory of Your cross
And fix my eyes upon You, Jesus
For You are God and I am not

You are good and You are faithful
As You have been from the start
You're working all things for Your glory
'Cause You still reign and You're still God

I know You reign and You're still God

Conversations about Death

 I should be working on my Safe Haven proposal that has been stalled but I've been struggling to pay attention due to the aches and pains from head to toe (literally) that I'm experiencing. I can't help but reflect on a phonecall I had last night with Sheila, a dear friend of mine, who has her own health challenges, and we've always been able to empathize with each other's physical/psychological difficulties due to our health problems. 

Death is something we both talk about often, and freely. It's a comforting feeling - to know that we can broach this subject, without fear of judgment or even the need to ensure the other person doesn't think we're going to kill ourselves. But I felt there was a slight change in atmosphere yesterday, when Sheila remarked, albeit jokingly, that I cannot die before her, because she will be left alone without a friend who is able to journey so closely with her, health-wise. We could go without talking to each other for many months, but once we're on the phone - we connect instantaneously, like we've never parted. And it made me realize that having these health issues have helped me empathize and connect deeply with others who may have similar struggles. We may not have the exact same illnesses - but our experience - how we're dealing with them, our grief, our stubborn personalities - are similar.  

I've considered for some time that death is something I have accepted and do not fear, and I've even whispered to Abba Father that I'm ready to go Home if that is His Will for me. While I may have come to this acceptance, I realize the grief and loss will be felt much more by some people I leave behind.  Ever since I started taking sleeping meds since my December hospitalizations, I've been experiencing morbid dreams and the theme revolves around death, amongst others - that require me to struggle or attempt to escape. I am still able to recall the first ever "death dream" that occurred - while my dreams tend to be vivid and weird, I never had a dream about death (and saying my goodbyes) before. It took me quite some time to reorientate to reality due to the utter realness of that dream. And it didn't help that the three people I was given the opportunity to explain my departure and to bid farewell to, are three actual, dear people in my life, and in reality, they have in their own ways expressed how my deteriorating health scares them and they've shared the possible impact my death would have on them. 

Death is typically a taboo... but I'm thankful that my faith as a child of God provides this space to voice up about death, no matter how uncomfortable it is, because death no longer has a hold on me. And that gives me comfort too - knowing where I'm heading While typing, this song popped in my head, which is an apt song as I consider the race I am currently running, and how exhausting it can be. I've also experienced joy in the midst of the pain and suffering. I recall a conversation I had with Yi Gu Ma who said that Jacob had said it was time for him to die - but God only called him 20 years later. So who knows. But I'm looking forward to finish the race with God's strength. and who knows, I may almost be home, depending on God's Will. 

ALMOST HOME

Are you disappointed?

Are you desperate for help?

You know what it's like to be tired

And only a shell of yourself

Well, you start to believe

You don't have what it takes

'Cause it's all you can do

Just to move, much less finish the race

But don't forget what lies ahead

Almost home

Brother, it won't be long

Soon all your burdens will be gone

With all your strength

Sister, run wild, run free

Hold up your head, keep pressing on

We are almost home

Well, this road will be hard

But we win in the end

Simply because of Jesus in us

It's not if, but when

So take joy in the journey

Even when it feels long

Oh, find strength in each step

Knowing Heaven is cheering you on

We are almost home

Brother, it won't be long

Soon all your burdens will be gone

With all your strength

Sister, run wild, run free

Hold up your head, keep pressing on

We are almost home

Almost home

Almost home

I know that the cross has brought Heaven to us

Make no mistake, there's still more to come

When our flesh and our bone are no longer between

Where we are right now and where we're meant to be

When all that's been lost is made whole again

When these tears and this pain no longer exist

No more walking, we're running as fast as we can

Consider this our second wind

Almost home

Brother, it won't be long

Soon all your burdens will be gone

With all your strength

Sister, run wild, run free

Hold up your head, keep pressing on

We are almost home

Almost home

Almost home

We are almost home

Almost home

Almost home

We are almost home  

"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." 2 Timothy 4:5-8

Miracles I Experience

 Growing up in a conservation Christian household, miracles of today are deemed to be a "charismatic" belief, so it was not talked about much. 

Well, to be honest, I am still skeptical when told about the occurence of big, flashy miracles though I am not altogether against it as I believe that God is omnipotent and if it is according to His Will, who am I to say that it is't real. That said, I truly believe in the small miracles that happen, and many a time, they happen on a daily/consistent basis and we may not even realize it until we reflect upon His Hand upon us. 

I've mentioned this before - how it is a miracle that I've managed to live my life, having thrown caution to the wind, when I was younger - but it was very likely that I've had this Moyamoya disease as a conginetal problem. God's timing has always been impeccable. I've seen how God has provided for my needs, I've experienced Him prepare me for difficult moments and even now when my health continues to deteriorate - I am able to go through it with more acceptance because He had given me the sense to early on. 

Why am I bringing these to mind at this time?
I think today is just one of those that I need to cling to God harder. My patience with certain older, arrogant and idle people are wearing thin. I've been accused of being rude and insubordinate when I have already been trying to mind their ego, and many a time, I end up sacrificing what I feel is what God has placed in my heart to do because these people refuse to consider my suggestions. I am tired of being dismissed because of my gender and my junior status (in comparison to these people).

 
It's one of those days that I wonder and question about the allotment God has designed for me. And it's a needed reminder for me that God is in control and that He knows best - that He sees the Big Picture.
Today is a day that I'm tempted to think that I know better, but really, He does, and I need to humble myself. And I pray that I will be granted the grace to persevere and to stay focused on why I do what I do - it's not to garner praise from mankind, but knowing that this is what God wants me to do and be, as His child.     

I was led to these verses, which encourages my soul, and yet again, confirms that My Abba Father, recognizes my struggle and He comforts me when I need it. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you ~ James 4:10

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:6-11

I pray that I will not lose heart or the main purpose of why I strive to serve, even in the face of discouragement. Again, God has possibly directed me to another path but my role is to be sensitive to His leading and to take action when He prompts me to do so.