Fragility of Life

 I'm still very much in shock as I try to grasp with a death that occurred so swiftly. Uncle Loi has been such a great help to me and my family the past months, as I struggled to be the sole caregiver of my parents, and as I grappled with my health issues. Even though I've been accumulating more and more diagnoses, I'm still here and for the most part, I don't look sick (or I try to not look sick). Uncle Loi was diagnosed with 4th stage pancreatic cancer mid February - he didn't have any symptoms prior to his blood test cancer marker suggesting that he had cancer,, later it had spread to his lungs. And it went downhill from there. And today, we received news that he had gone home to be with the Lord in the early morning. All this happened within a month. 

I'm filled with grief - for a Christian brother/uncle who has been generous of his time with my family. On one hand, I'm glad that his suffering was not prolonged, but on the otherhand, I wonder why he was taken so quickly. I can only imagine the heartache of his family. This loss felt so abrupt.

What is God's Will in these matters of terminal illness? I know I will never comprehend God's big picture in its fullness. I wonder why I'm spared from death at this point in time when my so many parts of my body is just going haywire. To some extent, I recognize that I'm experiencing survivor's guilt. The same guilt I felt when aunty SY passed away. Again, someone who was praying hard for my recovery, and she passed on from cancer as well. "It could have been me" is something that pops up in my mind. 

Again, I don't know why these things happen but I pray that I won't take life for granted and that I can live it to the full while I can. This recent hospitalization, current bleeding, poor memory and word recall i'm experiencing has made me realize that i'm on a decline myself. I take much longer to recover from activities while my body feels heavy and drained all the time. How do I function in such cases? Do I try to push myself to engage? Or do I just rest? But how much rest is needed? Even with 3 weeks of rest, I am still feeling like i'm at square one. It doesn't help that I don't look sick and my pain threshold is high. 

Reflections after a month of recuperation

 It's been a month since I have been hospitalized, even monitored in the ICU. As I reflected on my recent health crises, my hospitalizations seem to become more serious as time passes by.

I've been resting at A's place since my discharge, and I've not had so much rest in a long time. Yet, I still feel my symptoms, in varying intensities. I have been taking stock of how my word recall has been declining and my ability to multitask is practically nonexistent now as my attention is impacted. I can't even remember the one thing I was doing - my working memory is shot.

It just reminds me that my condition is chronic. It's something I have to learn to live with, to adapt to. And I go through the grieve process again as I reconsider what I have to let go, and what I'd like to cling onto.

A said that its amazing how I'm still attempting to do what I do - with my conditions, she would not have blamed me if I just want to lie down and give the excuse that i'm unwell. But i'm still trying to soldier on. And sometimes I think it's to my own detriment that I don't do sick very well. I'm able to mask my pain and discomfort quite well when its not too intense. 

It dawned on me that if I don't want to go back to the hospital, I really do need to set and manage my boundaries better. Pushing myself too hard will just land me into trouble. and at this point, I can't afford it anymore, for the sake of my body, my wallet, and for what i want to do.

Be Still, My Soul (Thy Lord is on Thy Side)

Sometimes I teether between frustration and acceptance. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being morbid. Sometimes, I want to just focus on what I can do now. Sometimes, I feel confused, unsure what is to happen next. Sometimes, I'm reminded to just be, and be present. Sometimes, when I'm reminded by certain deep, personal conversations, my heart grieves as I recognize that others are impacted by my health conditions. 

Many emotions run through me. And sometimes I wonder if my body is reacting to these emotions. I find myself bargaining with God whenever the symptoms intensify - "No, God... no more hospitalizations. I don't want to be stuck in the hospital. Please let me recover so I can get back to doing the work You have granted me". This has truly been an experience of surrendering my entire being to Him, to trust that He will provide what is needed, that He will grant my tired body, strength.

Time and time again, I'm reminded to be still and know He is God. In fact, just today, I was wondering whether my deteriorating processing speed and slow word recall is a way for God to slow me down. I used to multitask and not be mindful. But now, I am practically forced to take my time so I can get through the day. 

Anyway, as I was reflecting on this... this song came to my mind. Another apt way that the Lord reaches me. 

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul, The Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God, to order and provide
In every change, He faithful will remain
Be still, my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul, the waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul

In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still, my soul
Be still, my soul
Be still, my soul

Tough Decisions

My latest hospitalization, the first for year 2022 - I may have a condition called Vertebrobasilar Insufficiency (VBI). Why it's not conclusive is because my brain scans seem clear, however, my symptoms match the diagnosis of VBI - dizziness, nausea, vomitting, poor memory and word recall, etc. It has come to a point that my illnesses are so complex that it is hard to pinpoint the exact medical condition that is contributing to the symptoms. 

As my medical symptoms and hospitalizations increase, I find myself making difficult decisions - stopping medical investigations, finalizing my will, exploring medical ID bracelets in the event that I collapse, etc. I realize these decisions in itself contributes to some emotional responses on my part - but due to my acceptance of my condition, it isn't overwhelming on its own, but I'm heartbroken as I recognize the impact these decisions have on the people I care dearly for. 

In a span of 24 hours, I had 3 different conversations - each with their own level of grief and heartache. I really appreciate the openness we can have to process/talk about concerns and their own experience/pain as they journey alongside me. And as I reflect on these conversations, it hurts knowing that I'm contributing to their pain, not intentionally, of course, but my protective self wants to comfort these individuals. And yet, I want to stay true to myself and the path that I feel God has paved for me, with the time I have left. 

On one hand, I notice that whenever I reflect on wrapping loose ends, there is no grief of a possible end of life... but whenever I think of how my loved ones would be affected by my passing, that's when my grief surfaces.  The thing is, none of us (except God) knows when I'm dying. But I guess my deterioration makes it more frightening and the thought more plausible. 

That said, I feel torn.  I find myself being mindful not to utter promises I may not be able to keep. For the most part, I tend to omit some information as I don't want to worry my loved ones while also trying to be honest. My condition has become so complex that investigations feel endless, and it contributes to my life being put to a halt, and I'm not able to do what I hope to do. 

As I brought this to God today, these two verses emerged and it brought peace to me. It was a reminder that I can continue to look to Him for guidance and He will direct my steps. 

Psalms 105:4 - Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart, man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps

As i considered these verses and the assurance I felt, this hymn popped in my mind which I'd like to leave here for my own remembrance.

I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine,
For its skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter;
Every cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky. 

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.