reflections of 2017

It's been a tough ride for 2017 as I discover the plans God has for me with this "new body". What I've learnt throughout this tumultuous journey is that God has always been with me through thick and thin and He has been slowly opening my eyes to His Will for me, and most importantly, opening my heart to deepen my relationship with Him.

I'm really thankful for the different people whom He has set in place to encourage me and to enlighten me during my times of confusion and grief. One of the biggest questions that I wrestled with God was, "why did He give me a heart to serve but not the body to go with it". It was a struggle for me because in my mind I expected God to give me the ideal body/health for me to be able to serve Him "effectively". But as I continued to grapple with this dilemma as the year progressed, I realized that this current broken body is the BEST body to serve Him in because I am better able to comfort and reach out to others who are suffering/hurting. Yes, God did give me the heart to serve... and He did give me the body to go with it... just not the body I expected it to be.

Another BIG lesson that I've learnt this year is to just be present and to BE. Being a do-er, it's been really tough to just slow down and take a step back. But time and time again, I have been reminded to "sit at Jesus' feet" and to get to know Him better. I admit that I have a lot of head knowledge about God but it's truly been a time for me this year to experience and deepen my relationship with Him from the heart.

This song, "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz has been a God-given gift to me this year.
"Just breathe... come and rest at my feet... and BE..."
"Let your weary spirit rest..."
"Lay down what's good and find what's BEST..."

I've been hanging on to my previous identity and refusing to see what God had install for me, because I was already comfortable with my then identity, thinking it was already good. Maybe this broken body that experiences pain and disease is best when we look at the big picture of things. If not for my disease, I will not be able to empathize with people who have chronic illness.

Truly I understand now what Paul meant when he spoke about the thorn in his flesh.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ~ "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

Only when I acknowledge my weakness and my dependence on God, He is able to strengthen me with His Power and for me to see His deep love for me manifested. Although life is not going to be easy, but I am rest assured that He knows best and will guide me through life's ups and downs.

Year 2018, here I come! I don't know what life has in store for me but I know whom I am journeying with :)

quiet growth

It's nearing the end of the year 2017. I remember coming into the year with a lot of anxiety and uncertainty about who I am as a person. I felt lost, having to rediscover my identity post-surgeries. I cried buckets and I wrestled HARD with God. Being a do-er, one of the things I struggled with A LOT was not being able to do what I used to do. What I saw were the limitations my health condition had forced itself on me. And I really disliked who this new "person" was. I felt I was weak, useless... and needless to say, my self-esteem took a huge blow.

Throughout this time, I felt like I was stuck and that I was at a stagnant point in my life. I wasn't going anywhere. I could barely do anything without feeling the drain my body had to put up with. I had no clue what life was in store for me. It was as though I was at the sidelines watching people progress in their own lives while I struggled with just functioning on a daily basis. One of the challenges I felt God placed in my way was to learn to BE - being present, appreciating being in His presence and also drawing close to Him, trusting on His Love and faithfulness to me. That didn't sit well with me because I've come to realize that my sense of worth was tied to things I could do, to prove my value/worth.

 But the Lord HAS been faithful and has been enveloping me in His Love and assurances that He understands my struggle. One of the biggest changes that has happened is the way I viewed my Father in Heaven. I've always pictured God to be just a disciplinarian -someone who would punish me if I didn't live up to expectations. But my spiritual director has been helping me process my experience with God and I realize Abba Father is a God of Mercy and Grace who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't love me more because of what I can do... but for who I am.

As I began to unravel this... I became aware of how hard I am on myself. This helped me to process who I'd like to be now too and it gave me the freedom to approach God in my most vulnerable state and know that He still loves me. This journey has helped me learn to accept my limitations and be ok with them as I surrender them to God to help me work through them.

I realize that as I began to let go of my need of control over my life, God began to open more doors for me to explore. I notice the way I perceive things are different now as I no longer feel like I have something to prove but what I do comes from my passion to serve the God I really love. Recently, someone told me that I have become more confident, which came to me as a surprise - bearing in mind that I struggled with my self-esteem earlier on. That person also noted that it was apparent that I've processed through many things that I struggled with and I am more comfortable with myself now.  And it hit me that what was said is true. I do feel more authentic as a person. I no longer feel the need to constantly portray a strong side of myself. I can now be more honest and open with my struggles. I'm learning to be more focused and to draw better boundaries with myself and others so I won't do things out of obligation and duty, but out of love.

When did this progress happen? It definitely wasn't a sudden transformation. And I can't actually pinpoint when it happened exactly but as I look back on my journey this year... I do see the small changes that have occurred which continued to help me to be who I am now. Is there still a lot of personal work to be done? No doubt. I know I am far from perfect and I know that there are things that I will still struggle with. But I am very thankful knowing God will never give up on me. In the uncertainties in life, I can be rest assured that God will always guide me and help me through the challenges I will face. Truly, knowing this... how can I not love Him more and more, and want to serve Him for His Glory? Thank You, Abba Father for Your undying love.