My Journey of 2020

To say that the year 2020 has been challenging would be an understatement. I’ve felt stretched, pushed, battered and burdened. I experienced anxiety, depression, burnout, and grief. Some significant events that pop into my mind - my mom had a fall that rendered her bed-bound for more than a month and I was the sole caregiver because my sisters were all overseas, I was hospitalized for 5 days due to a lung infection, I worried about finances, I fell back into depression for a period of time, I unfortunately gained back the weight I lost even though I am still sick, I wrestled with yet another diagnosis and grieved over an anticipatory loss of a bodily function… and yet, I also experienced God’s love and witnessed His faithful providence in the midst of these struggles. Whenever I came before the Lord, broken and bruised, He assured me of His Love; that He would never abandon me in my pain, and His grace will always be sufficient for me.

In the chaos of a global pandemic, God has kept my family and I safe from the virus so far.
When my mom was bedbound, church members and college friends banded together to come up with meal plans so that the burden of cooking could be relieved from me. I had people reach out to provide me the support I needed while I juggled between managing the house, tending to my parents and also working from home.

While I worried about my ability to pay for my numerous medical treatments, God reminded me that I do not need to be anxious about tomorrow because He is in control and He will provide for me. And that came in the form of friends who have so generously offered to contribute money if I so need it, and I managed to retain a job even when the economy was bad due to the pandemic. 

While I struggled with my health and realized that my body will continue to deteriorate, God reminded me that this earthly damage is inevitable but I have a beautiful hope in Him, and one day this body will be replaced with a perfect, eternal body when I return Home. While this life is difficult, it will one day pass away and I have much to look forward to and He is my foundation that I can stand firm in, regardless of my current circumstances.

 He has also shown me that even in my depths of grief and sadness, I can be a vessel of compassion and comfort to others because I have experienced and endured much pain. While this process has thrown me way out of my comfort zone, it has also shaped me to be a more genuine person, and has taught me to trust God and not depend on my own strength. I have learnt that I do not need to appear strong in order to serve or help others, but being real and authentic means so much more. I have also learnt that many a time, I just need to be present for others in their moments of fear and anxiety, instead of jumping straight into my doer/fixer self.

 I was given a very special gift from God this year when I was able to participate in a medical study that if proven, could help people receive early intervention before a major stroke occurs. I had lamented before that I would never be a blood donor due to my Moyamoya disease, but it was because I was a Moyamoya patient that I was selected to be part of this study.  

 Another loss I had experienced in the recent years was that I would never be able to adopt a child as I am chronically ill and hence will not be able to support the child. But I was reminded this year that I have actually developed many dear friendships over time, and many are of varying ages and yet we are able to bless and encourage one another in our life journey. It made me realize that I am still able to care for others even if it isn’t in the shape of an adopted child, but rather much like having younger siblings.

 While I had withdrawn myself from socializing at a point when my depression was setting in again, God renewed and deepened other relationships – our conversations and support for one another have been meaningful, personal and encouraging. I also found joy and meaning in connecting with my students while we had to learn to adapt to online classes.

 This year felt stagnant and to be honest, I was initially in denial that the year 2020 was coming to an end as I was wondering what I had done this year. It felt as though the year whizzed past and I was not really a part of it. But now that I am reflecting, many things have happened and I’ve learnt a lot. While the uncertainty of a new year is still true, in the recent months, God has reignited a dream that I’ve shelved since my surgeries and friends who share this dream have also shared in my joy and excitement to plan for this dream to come true.

As the clock continues to tick towards midnight that will indicate a new year, I find myself listening to this song on loop – The Malaysia Blessing, while I reflect on how the year 2020 has been. This song truly encourages me as it reminds me of God’s Love for me. The fact that it is sung in the many different languages of my beautiful Malaysia drives home for me that every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord. I teared and had goosebumps as I listened and sang along. I am so touched by the promises of God stated in this song that He will always be there for me. And this song’s message will continue to ring true that The Lord is for me and that He will bless me and keep me, and be gracious to me and He will give me peace even in the midst of trials and tribulations. As I usher in the new year, the Lord is with me and will continue to journey with me through my highs and lows. With His assurances in mind, I step forward to the new year with hope and anticipation. Thank you, Father. J


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9vJw3tZ7E0

Verse:
The Lord bless you and keep you
Make his face shine upon you 
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace

Barakatan (Be blessed) - Dusun
Lalu ngintu (and protected) - Iban
使祂的脸光照你 (The Lord make His face shine upon you) - Mandarin
也赐恩给你 (and be gracious to you) - Mandarin
Karthar unakku samathanam (The Lord give you peace) - Tamil
Mare senang (Give you peace) - Kelabit

Chorus:
Amen, Amen, Amen

Tuhan s’lalu berkati 
Wajah-Nya menyinari mu
Dengan kasih kurnia
Memandang mu,
Tuhan beri
Kedamaian

Bridge:
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you

Rahmat Tuhan bersama mu
Tuk seribu generasi
Keluarga, anak kamu
Cucu cicit, anak m'reka

Ke hadapan bersama mu
Belakang mu, sebelah mu
Sekeliling dan dalaman
Tuhan ada dengan kamu

Waktu siang, waktu petang
Waktu pergi, waktu datang
Susah hati, senang hati
Dia ada untuk kamu, Dia ada untuk kamu