Remembering Ah Gong

It's the 24th anniversary of your death, Ah Gong. Who knew that I would still feel such heavy loss even after 24 years. Maybe it's also because I turned 36. You passed on my milestone year.. two cycles later, I still wish you were around so that we could make new memories.  Maybe it's also because I had gone for the family genogram workshop, and that really made me reflect on our family dynamics, relationships and how the family has shaped me to be who I am.

From the eyes of a child, I remember you to be a wise man - caring, generous and a person who likes to put himself to work. Never an idle moment. I have vivid memories of us sleeping on the floor watching football. You were a Liverpool fan - something I didn't share. But even after your passing, I continued to watch football. You would take public transport from PJ to our house in cheras, to see what you could help with. I remember painting our gate, our walls outside the house, together. And we would walk down to the mamak for teh tarik and roti canai. And I would be mesmerized, as I hear you conversing in Tamil with the Aneh. And sometimes, we would walk slightly further and you would treat me to KFC and I would boldly request for the three piece platter, only to eat the skin, then passing you the meat for your consumption. You allowed that cheeky behaviour of mine. When KFC introduced the KFC chicken skin last month, you were the first person I thought of. If only we had that option when I was a child. 

I remember that you taught yourself how to play the violin. It was pretty basic but still impressive considering that the violin is not an easy instrument. And to this date, the violin is still something I want to learn. I feel like you have passed down the gift and appreciation of music to me. 

Ah Gong, you were also the person that influenced my love for pingpong. I don't know why I never played with you, maybe because you were SO good at it. I just remember tagging along when you would go to a community center to play with another uncle. I can still picture myself seated at the back of the car, excited at the prospect of seeing you in action. After you passed, I regretted for not learning to play from you, and I vowed to remember you through the game. Soon after, I started representing my school for tounaments and the medals I won were always dedicated to you. 

I remember when you were diagnosed with stomach cancer. The doctor has misdiagnosed you prior, stating that you had stomach ulcers. By the time we realized what the real diagnosis was, you were already on a steady decline. You moved in and I continued to see you deteriorate. And I saw the pain in your eyes as you felt that you were a burden to my family. I have this vivid memory of my mom, sisters and I at the dining table on the 29th of August, 1997. Dad was in the hospital with you. We were eating when we got the phonecall that you had slipped away. I remember us just quietly processing this news while eating. I can still remember spooning rice into my mouth, not tasting anything. And one by one, we began to tear and sob. And we then decided to just go to the hospital to see you. 

I remember bawling my eyes out during your funeral. And some random aunty hugging me sideways, saying that you were at a better place. I knew that but it didn't make my loss any lesser. I hated that sentence. I remember walking behind your coffin as the hearse made its round in the neighborhood. I remember the men opening the coffin for us to see you for the last time. Chin Mi had reached out to touch your face, and she immediately shrunk back saying that your face was hard and cold.

Days later, I would be praying to God, likening it to a telephone line - wanting to find out how you were doing and if you were doing alright in Heaven. That was my daily prayer everynight before I went to bed until Chin Mi stopped me one day. "Stop praying for AhGong". And I did. I learnt that I had to stop grieving.     

During my 2nd hospitalization this year, It got me to thinking that I am the opposite of my parents. My character and motivations are rather different from them. But recently, as I stared at my family genogram and I tried to recollect my impressions of you, I realized that you may have influenced me without me realizing it. Sometimes I wonder whether its also because I saw you through the eyes of a child and I had so much admiration for you, for the positive characteristics that you had. I idealized you. While I may have consciously tried to be different from my parents - who were not really present with me during my childhood (I have more memories being with the Moey family) and they broke many promises. And right now, seeing how they just expect to be served and not having the motivation to do things... its a direct opposite of who I am. And I find myself comparing dad (your eldest son) with you in recent years. You were highly motivated to make use of yourself and to engage with people, even though you were a quiet old. Something that is very much in me as well. You had an exercise book that had your writen musings. Something that was passed down to us after your death. And my dad had conveniently lost it a few years later. And that really broke me because it was something I treasured.  

I have mixed feelings as I write this tribute to you, Ah Gong. I am bereaved and yet, I feel reconnected to you again, and that provides a sense of warmth. You would have been a 100 years old this year. I do wish that you got to see me grow into a teenager and an adult. I hope I have made you proud. I look forward to the day when we meet in Heaven. I really do miss and love you so much, Ah Gong. 

From your beloved granddaughter, Pei Pei. 

Between The Lines

 I had a magnificent and meaningful birthday. I didn't get to really celebrate it physically with friends and family but I was totally enveloped and showered with love through various ways. 

It is rather amusing, but this MCO birthday feels like one of the best birthdays I've ever experienced. It is also, in Chinese tradition, a milestone year for me as it is the year of the Ox. It's my 3rd cycle, having turned 36. 

This is the first time that I am putting this reflection in writing. I had brought this up with several close friends but I have never penned them down. But here goes. Before the year 2021 was even ushered in, I had this conversation (for a lack of a better word) with God and I had this sense that I am on "borrowed time". I had asked God for permission to start Safe Haven (which unfortunately is stalled at the moment but I will resurrect it soon) and He allowed it to happen. When CNY came, I had this sense that I would not live to experience the next Ox cycle - that this was my last. (This probably gives me a timeline of 1-11 years more of life, who knows). One would think that such thoughts would come with anxiety and panic. But there was this sense of peace that it will be alright and that it's ok. What I did feel instead was the sense of urgency to put things in order and to do what I want to do before returning Home.  

And after CNY, my health just started deteriorating. I have a high threshold for pain but I had experienced excruciating pain in the lead up of my unexpected neck surgery in March, and the muscle tear after. Things began to feel real. That maybe its not just in my head that my body is slowly giving way, and that it is now pushing itself to function as best it could until the time comes.

Then, comes my birthday. It truly is one of the more meaningful birthdays I've had. I can go on and on about the love I experienced from my loved ones. Friends who demonstrated such effort and thoughtfulness. The precious words that were said to me. Friends who reflected on how much I meant to them, how I have been there for them. I literally tear when I reflect on these beautiful, heartfelt words. And then I can't help but wonder if this is God's gift for me. This, if I am not being delusional or dramatic, is my last Ox year and I will not see/experience the next. This will be a milestone memory I will cherish, and will literally take with me to my grave, whenever that will be. I spent some time going through pictures of my first birthday. That cheeky baby just staring back at me. That baby who many did not think would survive. There were many risks but she made it. She grew to become a restless person, always wanting to do stuff. She grew not realizing how God had been protecting her all these years, as a time bomb continued to tick in her brain. She would be challenged to no end, as she wrestled with her own sense of worthlessness but with His Grace, emerge more determined than ever to live true to her Calling while recognizing that on the days that she fell, her Father would catch, embrace and comfort her.

Am I reading too much into this? I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that I am truly blessed. The past week has been one of the happiest that I've been. This just makes me cherish these moments more when I am aware of my mortality. And I would aim to continue on serving and being a friend/fellow traveller, and to share God's Love until the day my Father tells me that it is time to go. 

A blessed birthday

 When the 12th of August was drawing closer and closer, I felt that this year it wouldn't be impactful. It would just be another day. The one thing that I was looking forward to was finding out if my friend was actually giving birth on my birthday. That was it. I had to teach that day anyway. So nothing much to look forward to. My bestfriend and I couldn't even celebrate our birthdays together. All in all, I was just hoping to have a restful, quiet day. 

In fact, I confess that I was quite irritable in the morning and afternoon as my phone rang constantly and no matter how many times I cancelled the calls, they would still call again. 

But my mood drastically changed when I went downstairs and found a whole lot of surprised deliveries meant for me. Only two friends had notified beforehand that they wanted to buy lunch and dinner for my birthday and I was looking forward to that. 

I had all kinds of food awaiting me. It was pretty overwhelming - my dining table was full of packages. My fridge is now packed with leftovers. Even after my birthday had ended, I still continued receiving food deliveries, with my mom constantly commenting in surprise, that I have so many good friends.

I was very touched by the personal messages that came. Messages sent from friends in different parts of the world - that spoke of our close friendships, and what I meant to them, and what they appreciated about me. I was stunned when my friend who DID give birth on my birthday, had expressed to me that she prayed for me while she was delivering her baby, because she believed that her prayers would be answered. 

The food deliveries - many were thoughtful, indicating that they knew me well. Everyone avoided sending me caffeine/chocolate-based foods because it triggers my migraines. Some chose to send deliveries after my birthday ended because they had guessed that I would have many parcels coming my way. I was sent food I enjoy eating. Another baked a cake for me that was so beautiful that it took me a long time and a hard resolve to cut into it. It was so delicious too.

I had meaningful conversations with different people as well. One shared a short story she was writing and wanted my feedback, and that conversation led to something deep and personal about our own experiences. 

This year is my milestone year. My ox year. It started off pretty rough and painful. But as always, hope and love always reveals itself. I am touched beyond measure the love that has been showered upon me these few days. I am just so grateful for these people in my life. They have brought so much joy to me. 

Thank You, Lord, for these blessings...

Anger

 Of late, I realize I've been more and more irritable and angry. I'm feeling a lot of frustration and it's pretty pent up. In the past I used to go a few rounds on my punching bag for catharsis but with my muscle recovery already being rather slow I do not want to make it worse.

I am WELL aware what's upsetting me, and I know that part of my frustration is my sense of helplessness. I look around and I see incompetence and stubbornness that is damaging. Not just in the political scene but even at home. I feel dismissed and invisible at home, while also being expected to do more while the others just laze and expected to be treated like kings. I feel the need to fight or escape nearly everyday but feel trapped. 

I realize that I tend to weigh options and will make decisions based on whats best for my surroundings but one thing I realize is that many are not as thoughtful. There is so much selfishness around me that it really irks me. 

I'm exasperated. It's come to a point where there is really no love lost. 

I desperately want to dig a hole to hide and recuperate or just disappear for a while just to give space for myself.