Reflections for Year 2024

 I have much to reflect on for this year and for the recent GCC Conference. But I will just focus on the former for now.

This year had its usual ups and downs. I underwent a nasal surgery which had miraculous results. That said, my migraine attacks came frequently and severely – and I experienced excruciating pain at my spine that rendered me paralysed for several hours. Despite the grief and pain, I was comforted by God in different ways – through close friends, songs and images – that reminded me that I’m never alone, and the Lord hears my laments.

Year 2024 was a year that I wanted to be intentional about growth and succession. Hence, creating spaces for myself and for the young individuals I care for, checking in on them, mentoring them, as we journey through life and its challenges together. One thing I truly appreciated is the love and tenderness I received in return.

This year I was reminded of God’s Sovereignty amidst many tough and frustrating events. It made me realize how finite a being I am – there is much I do not understand or know – but I could rest in knowing that God is without a doubt, a faithful God, and He is ultimately in control. I can cast my worries and be anchored in Him because of who He is. I just needed to do my part in trusting and obeying Him even when I can't see the masterpiece that He is piecing together.

As I step into the year 2025, I anticipate another milestone. A part of me feels a sense of urgency to be “productive” – checking of a to-do list as I turn 40 but yet a quieter part of me has been nudging me to consider slowing down, to be more intentional about sitting at His feet and resting in Him. How does that look like - I am still uncertain. So I am aware that I am entering year 2025 with very little planning. Yet I will take the time to reflect on Psalm 119 as I look towards 2025 – continuing to meditate on His Word as I pray for His guidance and protection. I pray also that I will be committed to His Will while depending solely on Him and His Word. Looking forward to another year

I Am Not Alone

 "I am not alone" 

This feeling has been evident for me more and more in recent times. 

-When one lives with a rare disease and has multiple health issues, the journey can be rather solitary.
-Being a mental health professional while in a brethren assembly can feel rather isolating. I've heard men -at the pulpit warning people to stay away from seeking counseling - my career and calling. 
-As a single woman, I do not have a spouse nor children. That said, celibacy is also a path I intentionally chose. 

Over time, I see how God has provided me with the support I've needed as I experience loneliness in different aspects of my life. When I was younger, being alone was sad, uncomfortable and awkward. But over the years, I've really learned to be comfortable with my own company. During extended family gatherings, the question why I'm yet to be attached romantically occurs alot as well though its a lot less now (thank God!).

A married friend asked me recently how it's like to being single. I felt like I was rubbing it in her face when I said that I'm happy and contented, after she had vented to me about her husband. But that's the truth for me. Even married people can feel lonely despite being in a relationship. 

By God's grace and blessing, I have many significant and meaningful friendships - friends that I know have my back, who love me tremendously. Last year, my supervision group did a family geneogram. And what comfort I felt when I saw that my figurine was surrounded by friends (picture below)! I was represented by an ambulance - as I felt that I'm constantly on crisis management mode. Yet, visualing this and recognizing that my friends are my support system, that they having been nourishing, sheltering me and keeping me firmly grounded was really heartwarming. These figurines reminded me of friends who have gone the extra mile - sacrificing time and energy to be present for me and to ensure that I am alright. Friends who pray for me and scold me, telling me to stop/pace myself, when I can't sit still when I should be slowing down. Friends who have been so generous when I've not even asked for financial help. Friends who are willing to be vulnerable and open - hence we have really meaningful and real conversations about life. Friends who are also accepting of my insanity and lame humor, and who help me feel young. Friends who also have the same sense of humor and we end up laughing for hours. 

Dopey is also a figurine I selected for myself - for obvious reasons. I do think I'm pretty dope and dopey. But what caught my attention is that Dopey is looking up. I wanted to portray God in my geneogram but I couldn't figure out how to as I couldn't contain God in one figurine. Fixing my eyes on Jesus has kept me secure amidst all the craziness that happens in my life. Since then, whenever I feel troubled, I'll remind myself of these two pictures, and the loneliness goes away. So i'm really grateful for this. Thank you Abba Father!

Act of Love

I just wanted to put this whatsapp message that I received, here to be reminded of the deep love I felt from my friends who gave so generously. I literally sobbed while reading the message, knowing that I am not alone and am supported by my dear friends. 

"Dear Frances, CNY is a time of prosperity and abundance. We would like to contribute a little angpow packet with a small amount of cash to support your wellness journey, and wishing you prosperity in divine health! Despite your many many visits to and fro the hospitals, you've never shown negativity or complained but always displayed strength, courage and so much hope/optimism. We admire your strength and tenacity and just felt the need to remind you that we as your friends are here to support you. This money may not be enough for anything significant really, but please receive our blessings to you and know that we are always here to support you through your journey. Gong xi fa cai! 🧧Love, Lilian Emma Puisan & LingWei"

Grappling with Time and Plans

With my ongoing battle with illnesses, my plans do get disrupted from time to time. Even time itself feels uncertain as I have a timebomb in my head. Within these few years, I've lost dear ones - Uncle Loi, Wai Sheng, Andrew, etc - people I never expected to die before me. I've been living with the knowledge that I am chronically ill for more than 10 years, some days harder than others... and yet I'm still here. 

Whenever a person dies after a (relatively) short battle with illness, I realize that I will be thrown into survival guilt as I question why God has chosen to keep me alive but not for these other people. I don't think I'll ever know the anwer till I do meet God one day but my resolve is to just live meaningfully till He does take me Home.

Sometimes, especially the days when I am unable to function due to my debilitating migraines/pains, I worry that I'm wasting my time. I end up with an internal struggle as a part of me knows that this is not what I'd wish for myself - being bedridden. Yet another part of me is frustrated because I am so limited in my energy and physical ability. While I am less hard on myself in recent years, this internal dilemma does pop up once a while. One of the biggest struggles I have is - where is Safe Haven going? We didn't have any projects last year because I was busy dealing with my health. This year, I've got even more medical appointments, even an upcoming surgery in March. Is it just an excuse I am giving myself when this in itself was my passion project? Do I even have the capacity to lead? 

As 2023 was nearing it's end, I've been meditating on these three verses a lot: 

~ Proverbs 16:9
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps"

~ Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

~ Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path"

At the end of the day, the biggest lesson for me from these passages is that God is Sovereign and All-knowing. He sees the big picture - something a finite being like me would have difficulty comprehending. It also makes me realize that I can only plan so much, but He will be the one guiding and leading the way. Being a planner and perfectionist is hard as my need for control can be rather problematic. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not god and that I really don't know everything or what is best, and I need to trust in the One who does. Frankly, I still don't know what will happen to Safe Haven but I will try to trust that God will lead me to do what is needed and will equip and provide for the team as well. Maybe He will do something that is beyond what I can even imagine.
 
This reminds me of the passage in Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

So the bigger question for me is - am I aligned to His Will? Do I strive to serve His purpose? Honestly, how does that even look like? How will I please Him? Am I doing things just for my own gratification? Can I be flexible and accept when things do not turn out the way I envision them to be but trust that whatever happens, God intends them to still turn out for good (Romans 8:28)

Dear Father, please help me to humble myself before You. You know there are many things I want to do but Lord, slow me down if necessary. Teach me to sit at Your feet, to know You more and more and not just get caught up with distractions that may pull me further from You. Please Lord, help me to be sensitive to Your nudging and that I will be faithful to the work You've set forth for me and that I will honor the time You have granted me here on earth. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

This hymn came to mind as I reflected on what I've written here. I pray that this too will be my prayer.

Open My Eyes That I May See

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That hall unclasp and set me free

        Silently now I wait for Thee
        Ready, my God, Thy will to see
        Open my eyes, illumine me
        Spirit Divine

Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear
And while the wave notes fall on my ear
Everything false will disappear

Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share

Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead
Only for light from Thee I plead

Finding Footing Beneath the Cross of Jesus

 In church today, I noticed my emotions pulled in all directions.

This song really resonated with me today. I've been on survival mode, feeling weary and yet I've also experienced small blessings and moments of joy scattered here and there. While I give room for these mixed feelings to exist together, it's a needed reminder to continue fixing my eyes on Jesus - the One who provides a safe haven for me, and have cleansed me from my sin from His finished work on the cross.

This song brought tears to my eyes as we sang it during service:

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I fain would take my stand

the shadow of a mighty Rock

within a weary land

a home within the wilderness

a rest upon the way

from the burning of the noontide heat

and the burden of the day

O safe and happy shelter

O refuge tried and sweet

O trysting place, where Heaven's love

and Heaven's justice meet

As to the holy patriach

that wondrous dream was given

So seems my Saviour's cross to me

a ladder up to Heaven

There lies beneath it's shadow

But on the farther side

The darkness of an awful grave

that gapes both deep and wide

and there between us stands the cross

two arms outstretched to save

like a watchman set to guard the way

from that eternal grave

Upon the cross of Jesus

mine eyes at times can see

the very dying form of One

who suffered therefor me

and from my stricken heart with tears

two wonders I confess

the wonders of His glorious love

and my unworthiness

I take, O cross, thy shadow

for my abiding place

I ask no other sunshine than

the sunshin of His face

content to let the world go by

to know no gain nor loss

my sinful self my only shame

my glory all the cross