Where feet may fail

It's been weeks of ups and downs for me.
Struggling with physical pain (chest pain, numbing and pain on my right arm, stabbing pains from my incision area, etc).
Struggling with psychological battles.
Attempting to suppress my emotions when my "professional" side tells me to embrace them.

Sometimes it feels like I have plunged into the sea, bobbing up and down, spluttering, gasping for air. Trying to desperately wade and keep my head up from the waters. Sometimes it feels like I succeed to keep myself afloat, sometimes i feel like i'm sinking deeper.. today, it felt like I was pulled back into the strong current.

Had difficulty sleeping due to the numbing pain on my arm today, which caused me to miss church. That really sucked. But I decided that I would still want to devote my time to be with Him... and this song kept playing in my head. And it fit perfectly how I've been feeling... and it reminded me that I need to call upon God to save me from this.

OCEANS (WHERE FEET MAY FAIL)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

As I was meditating on this song, my thoughts were directed to the story of Jesus walking on water. 

Matthew 14:22-33New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

What struck me this time was that Peter saw Jesus walking on the lake, and had requested that Jesus allow him to also walk on water. Peter had taken the initiative, wanting to come before Christ and be with Him. But at the sight of the wind, his fears grew and he began sinking, crying out to Jesus to be saved. "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him". And Jesus said, "you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

This spoke to me very personally. My pain... my fears... my doubts of myself... are the wind that I see which causes me to tremble and sink deeper into my "depression". But here, Jesus reminds me that my focus should be on Him, not the stormy waves or the howling wind. Also that He will catch me whenever I fall, but I need to have faith that He is always there for me... And I realize what I said earlier in this post, that "sometimes... I succeed to keep myself afloat"... maybe that is why I'm still struggling, because I am trying to do this with my own strength, and not depending on Him to pull me back up.

Interestingly enough, the lyrics of this song also points to my previous post about rest. My soul will only be able to find "rest" if I were to call upon His name, to seek refuge in His embrace. I need to keep my eyes above the waves, and to fix them on Jesus...

Lord, please forgive me for forgetting Your abundant love for me, and that You would always watch over me. I'm sorry for always wanting to take control of my own life and destiny, instead of drawing upon Your strength. Unfortunately, I know this will not be the last time I struggle with this, but thank You for your ever faithfulness. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine