Not My Will But Thine

It's been a rather eventful week. "Work" seems to be picking up for me now as I try to get back into the routine of being busy and using my "professional brain", if i were to call it that. Things are still slow for me as it takes me quite some time to formulate my words now. Does get pretty frustrating at times but I try to remind myself not to be too hard on myself.

Anyway, just thought of venting. I guess I'm disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if this is a way of God telling me that this isn't for me. I've always been interested in doing hands-on work, and being right down in the field. But things always pop up which disable me from being of service. It sucks big time. Is there a chance that my passion is not aligned with what God wants for me?

I remembered long years back when I was adamant that I wouldn't/couldn't teach... and I ended up being an educator for 2 years (and teaching tuition to underprivileged kids before then... when I was still in secondary school and uni).

If you asked me, I'd never have dreamt that I would be writing articles in regards to mental health. But to date I have several articles under my belt, having wrote a few and also evaluating my own experience with mental health.

And here am I now, wishing and praying that I can be part of a psychosocial team and my access is denied (twice). My thoughts zoom to Isaiah 6:8 - HERE I AM, LORD. SEND ME! I imagine myself practically jumping up and down, waving my arm frantically while asking to be deployed but somehow, I am not chosen. Is this not Your Will for me? Is this a "no", a "maybe" or a "next time"?

I haven't a clue.

Was God trying to teach me humility way back then - that my service is also dependent on His Will for me? Is God trying to teach me patience? Is God preparing the way for me? Is this not what God wants me to do? Is God protecting me from myself? I know, I tend to go overboard to care for others and in that process neglect my own self-care. Something I acknowledge and am still trying to improve on.

Anyway, I'm bummed. I'm disappointed. I'd even say I'm frustrated. But something deep inside me is whispering to me that I am to surrender all these wants, these wishes... to God. To say... "not my Will, Lord... but Thine".

Dear Lord, please grant me the strength to submit to Your Will, whatever they may be. It is feeling super difficult. I am disappointed that I am unable to serve You in the manner I hope to for now. But Lord, I pray that You will grant me opportunities. Please open my eyes and open my heart to know how to serve You best and give You glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.