A Birthday Wish

Well, it's official. I have turned 30. Friends of mine joke about how I'm aging. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though.. not mentally at least.

However, a dear friend of mine, Katrina, commented that it took a lot for us to get here. And you know what, I totally agree with her. We managed to survive and get to the age of 30, even with all our health problems and struggles. It's an achievement, getting to where we are right now. It may not be much to some people, but it means a lot to us.

To be honest, I did have some concerns turning 30... it wasn't about the age factor, but I have a fear that I would suffer a major stroke at this age. I know it's no use worrying about it, and I don't have much thought about it. But once a while it surfaces... and then it goes away.

I think I have changed somewhat since my surgeries. But I guess it's also me just taking in my life experiences. Trying to take things one at a time. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I survived both brain surgeries... but sometimes I'm exhausted. And I thank God that He gives me reminders from time to time not to pressure myself so much. That I should take things slowly. I admit it's not easy though. It is still something I need to be consciously aware of.

Of late, I've been retreating into my shell a lot more. Sometimes I feel detached from others. I find that I don't really have strong attachments with others. Sometimes I yearn for connection, but more often than not, I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, so I just withdraw. I guess this is just me at this time. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes in my life. And finding someone who understands my situation isn't easy. I notice that I may slip in and out of my low moods at times.. feeling helpless and isolated from others. Sometimes I feel better, and that I can move on.

My birthday wish as I turn 30, is that...
I will be more at peace. With God, myself and with my relationships.
I will not be so hard on myself, and to let my healing process take its course at its own timing.
I will be able to make sense of my life experiences and to support others who are feeling the way I do.
I will find rest and relief in God.
I will continue to trust that God is in control and will watch over me.

Psalms 121 is still my favorite Psalm and I'd like to share it again here. This Psalm is my birthday prayer for myself.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.