On this day, 7 years ago, I had received THE phonecall from Tan Tock Seng Hospital that shook me - the MRI I did the day before confirmed a diagnosis of Moyamoya Disease. I was actually on my way to do a home visit. I remember having to just shelve my confusion and questions, so I could focus on attending to my patient after that. And on the bus on the way home, I was just stunned throughout but my rational mind urged me to call my then-supervisor to let her know and then I messaged my bestfriend asking if I could skype with her at night. I also texted my cousin, who had suffered a stroke himself when he was 30. I remember telling him not to tell anyone in our family until I had a better understanding of what this disease was.
The next day, my cousin, endearingly called Yee Boy, accompanied me to the hospital to see the neurologist. We have always been close, even now. He experienced a stroke just a few years prior and he is someone who would ask good questions. I needed him with me.
So happened, I was to return to Malaysia for the weekend. And I did. When I got home, my bestfriend was waiting for me at my house. She wanted to stay the night to accompany me, and to be my emotional support when I broke the news to my parents. I still remember her telling me that she was surprised by how emotionally detached I was when I shared my diagnosis with my parents. I had showed my parents my MRI scans and told them matter-of-factly about what Moyamoya was and what were the possible treatments needed. I knew I did what I did because I wanted to be strong for my parents. If I broke down, who is going to hold the emotional fort? And honestly, I was afraid that I would not get the comfort I needed from my family if I broke down. And as cliched as this may sound, my life was never the same from then on. Mortality was a very present topic and the fight for my life began but it also made me see how God has preserved me all those earlier years.
Now that its been 7 years, I still see God's Hand in my life. I feel I've grown much as a person because of my chronic illness journey. I definitely have my share of struggles but I've also learnt to identify what is important to me, that brings meaning. And it has helped me be more mindful and intentional whenever I engage in certain behaviors/interactions.
Today I was drawn to meditate on Psalms 27.
The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
AMEN.
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