It's the 24th anniversary of your death, Ah Gong. Who knew that I would still feel such heavy loss even after 24 years. Maybe it's also because I turned 36. You passed on my milestone year.. two cycles later, I still wish you were around so that we could make new memories. Maybe it's also because I had gone for the family genogram workshop, and that really made me reflect on our family dynamics, relationships and how the family has shaped me to be who I am.
From the eyes of a child, I remember you to be a wise man - caring, generous and a person who likes to put himself to work. Never an idle moment. I have vivid memories of us sleeping on the floor watching football. You were a Liverpool fan - something I didn't share. But even after your passing, I continued to watch football. You would take public transport from PJ to our house in cheras, to see what you could help with. I remember painting our gate, our walls outside the house, together. And we would walk down to the mamak for teh tarik and roti canai. And I would be mesmerized, as I hear you conversing in Tamil with the Aneh. And sometimes, we would walk slightly further and you would treat me to KFC and I would boldly request for the three piece platter, only to eat the skin, then passing you the meat for your consumption. You allowed that cheeky behaviour of mine. When KFC introduced the KFC chicken skin last month, you were the first person I thought of. If only we had that option when I was a child.
I remember that you taught yourself how to play the violin. It was pretty basic but still impressive considering that the violin is not an easy instrument. And to this date, the violin is still something I want to learn. I feel like you have passed down the gift and appreciation of music to me.
Ah Gong, you were also the person that influenced my love for pingpong. I don't know why I never played with you, maybe because you were SO good at it. I just remember tagging along when you would go to a community center to play with another uncle. I can still picture myself seated at the back of the car, excited at the prospect of seeing you in action. After you passed, I regretted for not learning to play from you, and I vowed to remember you through the game. Soon after, I started representing my school for tounaments and the medals I won were always dedicated to you.
I remember when you were diagnosed with stomach cancer. The doctor has misdiagnosed you prior, stating that you had stomach ulcers. By the time we realized what the real diagnosis was, you were already on a steady decline. You moved in and I continued to see you deteriorate. And I saw the pain in your eyes as you felt that you were a burden to my family. I have this vivid memory of my mom, sisters and I at the dining table on the 29th of August, 1997. Dad was in the hospital with you. We were eating when we got the phonecall that you had slipped away. I remember us just quietly processing this news while eating. I can still remember spooning rice into my mouth, not tasting anything. And one by one, we began to tear and sob. And we then decided to just go to the hospital to see you.
I remember bawling my eyes out during your funeral. And some random aunty hugging me sideways, saying that you were at a better place. I knew that but it didn't make my loss any lesser. I hated that sentence. I remember walking behind your coffin as the hearse made its round in the neighborhood. I remember the men opening the coffin for us to see you for the last time. Chin Mi had reached out to touch your face, and she immediately shrunk back saying that your face was hard and cold.
Days later, I would be praying to God, likening it to a telephone line - wanting to find out how you were doing and if you were doing alright in Heaven. That was my daily prayer everynight before I went to bed until Chin Mi stopped me one day. "Stop praying for AhGong". And I did. I learnt that I had to stop grieving.
During my 2nd hospitalization this year, It got me to thinking that I am the opposite of my parents. My character and motivations are rather different from them. But recently, as I stared at my family genogram and I tried to recollect my impressions of you, I realized that you may have influenced me without me realizing it. Sometimes I wonder whether its also because I saw you through the eyes of a child and I had so much admiration for you, for the positive characteristics that you had. I idealized you. While I may have consciously tried to be different from my parents - who were not really present with me during my childhood (I have more memories being with the Moey family) and they broke many promises. And right now, seeing how they just expect to be served and not having the motivation to do things... its a direct opposite of who I am. And I find myself comparing dad (your eldest son) with you in recent years. You were highly motivated to make use of yourself and to engage with people, even though you were a quiet old. Something that is very much in me as well. You had an exercise book that had your writen musings. Something that was passed down to us after your death. And my dad had conveniently lost it a few years later. And that really broke me because it was something I treasured.
I have mixed feelings as I write this tribute to you, Ah Gong. I am bereaved and yet, I feel reconnected to you again, and that provides a sense of warmth. You would have been a 100 years old this year. I do wish that you got to see me grow into a teenager and an adult. I hope I have made you proud. I look forward to the day when we meet in Heaven. I really do miss and love you so much, Ah Gong.
From your beloved granddaughter, Pei Pei.
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