Tears of inadequacy

It's been more than a week since I shed tears due to the pain at my incision area. Today, tears flowed because someone I have a lot of respect for said that she wasn't keen for me to join a meeting during the weekend as she had "serious doubts that [i'm] fit to participate in the group process".

That sentence really stung. I tried to reflect amidst tears - why that bugged me so much. To be honest, even writing this post, my face is wet with tears...

I realize that statement felt like a dismissal, and it triggered my fears. The fear that after surgery, I would be considered weak. Unfit. Inadequate. I guess it's my fault too. I've always appeared strong. Or at least tried very hard to so people wouldn't worry. Not to mention I would feel better about myself too.

Sure, maybe this was said out of concern. But it still hit me hard. It felt like a slap on my face. And I wonder if this could be a lasting problem - people looking at me differently because I have this brain disease and that I won't be at par with my peers. It does make me feel very vulnerable.

Maybe it's my pride. Maybe it's my fear that I can't be the psychologist I want to be. Maybe I'm afraid that my life will be at a standstill. Maybe I'm trying so hard to beat this disease, to be brave and keep upbeat, to prove to myself I'm still ok. That sentence sparked off what I have been feeling but had tried to suppress. I'm supposedly at the prime of my life, but here I am... Under house arrest. Not allowed to drive for 6 weeks. I even need help to clean my head cause I can't see where my incision is due to my poor eyesight. And I will be out of action for the next six months, hopefully not any longer if there aren't any complications.

I realize... undergoing surgery isn't the most difficult part. Because I just laid there in the OT. I don't deny the awful physical pain I went through, having my skull cracked open and my scalp stitched up. But it's the consequences of surgery that I have to process, the emotional and psychological pain I have to battle. Being dependent on others for simple chores. The grief that there are some things that I have to erase from my bucket list just because my body won't be able to handle it anymore. The fear of potential seizure attacks or stroke. Having to change lifestyles.

"Serious doubts".

Sigh... That really hurts... Doesn't help that I feel so alone...

Lord, please comfort me...