The title says it all. I've been feeling restless and yet hesitant to do certain things, not wondering why.. until I heard my bestfriend, Jessie, explain to an intern about what a certain group that we are part of was about. She mentioned that our group were empowered individuals seeking to empower others.
And it hit me.
I've been feeling disempowered for a long time. So that's why it is so difficult for me to empower others. How can I give others what I myself do not have? It was a painful realization.
It's been more than a year since my brain surgeries... and many times, I feel the surgeries have changed me - diminished my energy, my abilities; causing me to tire so much easier; difficulty processing and concentrating on discussions... etc. I don't know if it's related, but I notice wounds are harder to heal now too. I have so many permanent scars now from simple things like scraps and punctures. They leave a mark... as though reminding me that I'm weaker than before.
A friend reminded me that I am focusing a lot on what my condition has taken away from me... Which I agree. It's hard to not dwell in that when I miss my old, "capable" self. I am still struggling to adapt to the new me. Physically, I look pretty much the same (except that I've gained quite a bit of weight, although my appetite has reduced), but my mental abilities has deteriorated. But this friend of mine reminded me that God has His plans.. and that He still values my very being, even with this disease. That I can still use my broken self as a testimony for Him.
It made me remember the neuropsych class I taught - the impact I had on them because I wasn't only the lecturer, I was the patient discussed in the case study as well. It's so easy to forget that I can touch lives in my current state. Many times I still wish I was my old self, having difficulty accepting myself for who I am now.
My friend left this verse with me to ponder upon. I've read it so many times.. but sometimes I forget.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
This is something I know I will still struggle with for some time. But I realize I need to focus more on God, and the good that has been coming out of my dark period. I need to learn to keep the faith and press on....
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