a-ha moment

So... life has been pretty interesting. Confusing for sure, but it's definitely not been boring - also maybe due to my reflective/ruminating nature.

Looking back at my journals... how I have been struggling to let go of my old self and my old capabilities. To be exact, having to wrestle with letting go of what I felt was my identity as a clinical psychologist by leaving prospects of my talk therapy aside. It was a huge internal battle. But I realize as time passes and I'm learning more about who I am post-surgeries... I sense some acceptance in who I am right now. It's not full acceptance, but i'm liking myself abit more now and being ok with this person that emerged.

Weird thing is, it seems that therapy opportunities then start popping up. And i'm puzzled. What message is God trying to send me? Sometimes I haven't a clue to what His plans are. Naturally, I got upset - i struggled learning to let go and when I started doing so, then it seems like there are signs I shouldn't be giving it up?

HELP!

I think I received some answers last Sunday when I was sharing this predicament with a close friend and mentor. He said my experience seems similar to Abraham - Isaac. Abraham cherished Isaac, and God tested Abraham if he was willing to sacrifice Isaac. To let him go. Long story short, Abraham did trust the Lord and surrendered his beloved son to God and Isaac was "returned" to him.

I never saw this applicable to me until Sunday. My identity post-surgery has always been something I really liked and cherished. Sure, I had my insecurities back then but all in all, I liked who I was and post surgery, i felt like i had to prove i was the same person as before. My focus was on my own identity, something I worked hard to craft and shape. I was angry and upset that my identity felt taken away. But as I continued to process my grief and my fear of the unknown, I was slowly allowing myself to rediscover who I was and to let go of who I used to be. Believe me, I know I still have one hand clinging to my old self but my grip is loosening, I think... I hope.

My mentor and friend said that maybe God is giving my identity back, now that I am more rooted in Him instead of just being self-sufficient and controlling over my own life. This is something I really do need to pray about. I don't know what is going on still... but I pray that God will continue to work within me.

This was my a-ha moment. The parallel's of Abraham-Isaac and me-therapist identity.