Countdown

I posted this on my Moyamoya blog on "The Journey of Ups and Downs". But I feel like expanding it more here, in this personal space. 

Ever since the start of this year... my mind has just shifted into countdown mode. While I recognize where the source came from... it just felt like an automatic transition, which surprises me. The problem is... I don't know when this countdown ends. 

I find myself no longer thinking of my future. Maybe that is a good thing. To just focus on the present, the here-and-now. But I realize that because the thought of my mortality is so in-my-face, I find my perspective shifting to "will I be around to witness" certain things. 

But my ever-wise colleague reminded me that it's pretty much the same for all of us. It's just that I do not have the illusion that I am invincible or that I will live forever. No one knows when we will go, but I am just more alert to the possibility of death due to my current condition. 

What is stopping you from doing what is important to you - Whether or not you die tomorrow? And are you too busy that you can't do what you are meant to do?

She reminded me that I have a dream that I wanted to accomplish but I recognize I'm too tired to pursue it because I find meaning in so many things and I overload myself. I need to refocus and to prioritize - what is mine alone that I want to do, so I will not regret it. I need to retrace my steps and to get back on my path, and live according to my values again. I think I have been living according to my values, I just need to be mindful that I don't have much gas in me and I can't do EVERYTHING. 

I think I need to breathe too. I'm really glad I've set a date to have a retreat. Even though that's a month away, it is something to look forward to.