Tough Decisions

My latest hospitalization, the first for year 2022 - I may have a condition called Vertebrobasilar Insufficiency (VBI). Why it's not conclusive is because my brain scans seem clear, however, my symptoms match the diagnosis of VBI - dizziness, nausea, vomitting, poor memory and word recall, etc. It has come to a point that my illnesses are so complex that it is hard to pinpoint the exact medical condition that is contributing to the symptoms. 

As my medical symptoms and hospitalizations increase, I find myself making difficult decisions - stopping medical investigations, finalizing my will, exploring medical ID bracelets in the event that I collapse, etc. I realize these decisions in itself contributes to some emotional responses on my part - but due to my acceptance of my condition, it isn't overwhelming on its own, but I'm heartbroken as I recognize the impact these decisions have on the people I care dearly for. 

In a span of 24 hours, I had 3 different conversations - each with their own level of grief and heartache. I really appreciate the openness we can have to process/talk about concerns and their own experience/pain as they journey alongside me. And as I reflect on these conversations, it hurts knowing that I'm contributing to their pain, not intentionally, of course, but my protective self wants to comfort these individuals. And yet, I want to stay true to myself and the path that I feel God has paved for me, with the time I have left. 

On one hand, I notice that whenever I reflect on wrapping loose ends, there is no grief of a possible end of life... but whenever I think of how my loved ones would be affected by my passing, that's when my grief surfaces.  The thing is, none of us (except God) knows when I'm dying. But I guess my deterioration makes it more frightening and the thought more plausible. 

That said, I feel torn.  I find myself being mindful not to utter promises I may not be able to keep. For the most part, I tend to omit some information as I don't want to worry my loved ones while also trying to be honest. My condition has become so complex that investigations feel endless, and it contributes to my life being put to a halt, and I'm not able to do what I hope to do. 

As I brought this to God today, these two verses emerged and it brought peace to me. It was a reminder that I can continue to look to Him for guidance and He will direct my steps. 

Psalms 105:4 - Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart, man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps

As i considered these verses and the assurance I felt, this hymn popped in my mind which I'd like to leave here for my own remembrance.

I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine,
For its skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter;
Every cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky. 

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.