It's been a month since I have been hospitalized, even monitored in the ICU. As I reflected on my recent health crises, my hospitalizations seem to become more serious as time passes by.
I've been resting at A's place since my discharge, and I've not had so much rest in a long time. Yet, I still feel my symptoms, in varying intensities. I have been taking stock of how my word recall has been declining and my ability to multitask is practically nonexistent now as my attention is impacted. I can't even remember the one thing I was doing - my working memory is shot.
It just reminds me that my condition is chronic. It's something I have to learn to live with, to adapt to. And I go through the grieve process again as I reconsider what I have to let go, and what I'd like to cling onto.
A said that its amazing how I'm still attempting to do what I do - with my conditions, she would not have blamed me if I just want to lie down and give the excuse that i'm unwell. But i'm still trying to soldier on. And sometimes I think it's to my own detriment that I don't do sick very well. I'm able to mask my pain and discomfort quite well when its not too intense.
It dawned on me that if I don't want to go back to the hospital, I really do need to set and manage my boundaries better. Pushing myself too hard will just land me into trouble. and at this point, I can't afford it anymore, for the sake of my body, my wallet, and for what i want to do.
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