Looking Inward

 

I am experiencing a flurry of emotions after a certain meeting where I shared my thoughts honestly. I am taking the time to identify these feelings and what triggered them.

While I feel relieved for sharing my thoughts...

I feel hurt. I felt unsupported, abandoned and betrayed. Many of the things I said, I said them on behalf of others, but to not get support but silence... that hurt. Being a natural people pleaser, being a bad guy is hard. but I decided to say what I had to say because what happened did hurt the team... but sadly, the people I spoke up for then decided to say different things. 

When I heard who the leadership was going to be passed to - i'm not gonna lie. I was shocked. I felt dismissed. And I know this is a personal issue that I have - ever since my health issues, I tend to be overlooked/passed on. I don't know if its the case this time and I don't want to jump the gun. But I am hurt. On one hand, I know I don't have the organization skills - that I will fully admit. However, I know I've been most convicted of this ministry. 

I also felt frustrated that I was misunderstood. I never spoke about passion.. but the ones who took offense kept referring to passion. What I meant was conviction. Conviction that God is in control and that God provides and equips. 

There were moments where I wanted to jump in to clarify my points, but something in me realized that the defensiveness had already set in... if the people there were not willing to be honest, but instead tried to make themselves feel better... there was no point trying to explain what I meant. 

to be honest, there were times when I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes from the things that were said - which I felt were untrue. I had been fighting for the next gen to come in and was told no. and today they said the next gen doesn't want to come in. 

they claim they didn't say no to not having refreshments. 

To a point, I nearly wanted to blurt out that all this was bullshit (not a word I use in my daily vocab but it made me realize how frustrated I was).

I think i'm also just exhausted since I'm unwell. I know a part of me wants to throw a tantrum and threaten to leave but I know that's not helpful. Another part of me wants to ask how they came to the decision to have someone who has shared that she wants to take a break to take over. But I know I'm not in a calm state to do so. It took a lot out of me not to react when I heard the news.

Lord, please reveal my heart and intentions, and test them. Help me be aligned to Your Will, and not my own prideful wants.