My incision site has been healing pretty well with slight hiccups along the way, due to my internal suture sticking out a couple of times but on the whole... I have been OK on the physical side. I've been struggling emotionally and psychologically though.
As I withdrew the money I was given by my "critical illness policy", I couldn't help but stare in disbelief that I had to take that sum of money out at the age of 29. In my mind, I thought, "this wasn't supposed to be withdrawn till i'm at least 50!"
I've had my post-surgery SPECT scans and CT scans done recently. To be honest, I dreaded doing it. I dreaded lying down and subjecting myself to being jabbed numerous times because my veins were too small. This coming from someone who has a fear of needles. It was also an awful waiting game - waiting literally for hours just to be sent in for my scans.
I've always regarded myself as a pretty optimistic person but this has been a really tough experience for me. Maybe my optimism gave me so much hope that it ended up disappointing me when the results weren't as I had hoped. The good news is that my brain blood flow has improved in comparison to pre-surgery. However, my surgeon has noted that "it could have been better". My blood circulation is still inadequate. Moreover, my CT scans have indicated that my graft seems pretty weak and it's uncertain if my graft is closing up. If my 2nd surgery doesn't compensate for the inadequate blood flow, I may have to undergo a 3rd surgery - multiple burr hole surgery to release pressure from my brain and to facilitate blood vessel growth. The potential areas for my skull to be punctured for that particular surgery has already been pointed out. My surgeon wants me to be more active but also warns me to be careful not to exert myself too much as I may collapse.
Sigh..
If my graft closes up... does this mean I'll be back to square one? Would I have gone through the pain and "trauma" of surgery for nothing?
I cried myself to sleep on the day I received news about my brain scan results. Truth be told, I still struggle with accepting my emotions. I feel guilty whenever I feel overwhelmed or upset about what has been happening, knowing that other people may have it worst than me. It doesn't help that there may be people who dismiss my emotions, reinforcing the idea that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I feel awful whenever I am feeling low as it seems as though I'm not trusting God with His plans for me.
Being vulnerable has never been easy for me, especially when I'm used to having people tell me to buck up, or to be strong for other people. I feel responsible to be more optimistic, more hopeful... when I've been placed in a position where it's like I'm a symbol of hope amidst my struggles.
But... I'm already dreading my second surgery. I feel low as I realize that the days are falling past and my next surgery is drawing closer, causing my fears to increase.
A friend reminded me today that I'm human - that what i'm feeling is a natural response and it is OK to be vulnerable, to allow my emotions to emerge and surrender them to God. She spoke of a Bible verse that has been stuck in my mind ever since my brain scan results came out.
John 11:35 ~ Jesus wept.
That's it. The shortest verse in the Bible. But this simple verse showed the humanity of Christ. In that context, Christ grieved over the death of a friend. God gave us the ability to experience emotions, not just happy ones... but sad ones too. Not only that, in the passage it clearly demonstrates that God isn't an unfeeling deity who is detached from the human experience. He himself understands and shares our pain.
Sometimes it's just so tempting to paint a well and dandy picture of myself, to show that I'm fine. But no, I'm not THAT fine. I'm struggling. I'm afraid. I'm grieving. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
And I need to remind myself that it is OK to feel that way. It's only normal that I will feel like this given my circumstance. I need to allow myself time to process all my emotions and thoughts. I need to remind myself that God will comfort me and grieve beside me when I'm at my lowest, not judge me for the less-than-happy feelings I have been experiencing.
I've been looping this song for a while now. It's a song I've always loved but the chorus and bridge part of the song (indicated in bold and italics) bears a more personal meaning to me now.
Our brother is gone - Her words cut like a knife
into the heart of the Lord
into the heart of the Lord
If you had been here than he wouldn’t have died
She cried to the Light of the World
So they went to where Lazarus slept - and realized as Jesus wept
Chorus:
That He shares every heartache -
He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - The darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - The Savior who weeps
What can you say when the prayers have been prayed
and no miracle comes along?
How can you comfort a mother & dad
now that their baby is gone?
And there in the darkest of hours
the tears of God mingles with ours
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Bridge:
One day every tear shall be dried
but till that day He cries when we cry.
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Crying beside you - the Savior who weeps
No comments:
Post a Comment