something I just noticed

From my recent post, I spoke about having "group therapy" with my batchmates, and I was suddenly reminded of a question that was directed to me.

"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).

I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)

I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.

Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.

Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.