rollercoaster ride

I've just recently recovered from a bout of diarrhea and vomiting (food poisoning? stomach flu?). Well, I don't know what exactly it was, but I've never experienced that in my life before. This bugged me for several reasons... One, because I can no longer say my stomach is made of steel and I've never had diarrhea before. And the other, due to my purging and vomiting, I lost a lot of water in my system, and that is a pretty big stroke risk there.. Even with me continuously replenishing water, I kept feeling dehydrated. I lived in fear at that point wondering if something bad was going to happen.

I spoke to a friend yesterday about my fears of going back into the OT the second time. Hearing a personal story from her, a struggle of a loved one going through something similar... nearly brought me to tears. Because it felt so real. And I know I will have to go through it in 10 days.

Sometimes I feel hopeful... sometimes I feel lost and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I'm bargaining with God, asking Him to spare me as there are so many things that I've not done yet here on earth... and there are days when I beg God to take me Home. It's been a crazy ride for me. And I realize I'm becoming edgier as my surgery date comes closer. I remember how calm I was, as I was wheeled from my ward to the OT. Sometimes I wonder, will I still feel at peace? Even writing this piece, my hands are trembling... and my eyes are welling up.

I think it doesn't help that I keep replaying in my head the discussion I had with my surgeon in regards to a possible third surgery. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. I feel... helpless. When will this stop? Will it EVER stop? Also, I've had people saying that "nah.. you won't need the 3rd surgery" or "just stay strong and you'll be OK!" or "you'll be totally fine". I know I've said this before, and till now it still annoys me. Sometimes, these words seem so easy to utter... but little do they know how difficult it is to be in my position. My fears and concerns... so easily dismissed.

My emotions are topsy-turvy right now. I'm trying to enjoy myself now before I go in... but sometimes these things just affect me and I no longer have the mood to do anything. I'm now trying to play my instruments, read a lot, meet up with people... things I'm afraid I can't do if something were to happen during/after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm quite sure I've mentioned this in a previous post. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid something dreadful happens.. but I don't die... and I have to survive that. Not just me, my family too.

Lord... I'm at a loss now. You know how afraid I am. I don't know what to do. Please... help me.