Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.
I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"
It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.
I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.
At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present
BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.
To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.
In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.
In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.
With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.
My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my Sword and Shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?
Chorus:
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Bridge:
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
Outro:
The God of angel armies is always by my side
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
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