waves of emotion

It's 2 days before I am admitted to the hospital yet again for my second surgery. As the days draw nearer, I find myself struggling with my emotions. At times, I feel like I can do this... at times, I break down and cry. Sometimes, when responding to people's questions about how I'm feeling with the upcoming surgery, it triggers flashbacks, making me more fearful and anxious. And I have to do deep breathing exercises and take time to shake it out of my system.

Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.

In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.

To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.  

I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.

To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.

This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.

My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God. 

THROUGH IT ALL

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'd like to repost this cartoon (click on the link), as it encouraged me deeply - reminding me that God is the one who is holding on to me, not the other way round. I will fail God more often than not.. but God is forever Faithful to me. And His Arms will carry me through all of time.