Hypervigilance

 Ever since my mom's falls became more frequent, with the fall she had on Deepavali - she remained on the floor for HOURS and refused to even hint that she was in need of help even when she had logged onto zoom with a few ladies from church, has really affected my mental state.

I only realized just now how hypervigilant I've been since that incident. Everytime I hear a thud or just something falling, I jump to check on my mom. This has led me to be on high alert for most of the time when I am at home, which has resulted in my poor sleep. I find it difficult to relax, also because my mom will NOT say anything even if she is in need of help. Just like today. Again, I found her on the floor, just there and not calling for help.

It really frustrates me. As I shared with a colleague, I can sorta understand the hesitance to ask for help - I have been shaped by the same mold. We do not like to be a burden to others and honestly, its a bruise to our ego to feel weak. But overtime, I've learnt to lower down my defenses and be ok with asking for help. But my parents still... not so much. 

But this has been taking a toll on me instead. Because with them not asking for help, and insisting that "I can take care of myself", it has actually been me that has been picking up the pieces and problem-solving. And this is on top of me being really busy and having a body that is also deteriorating. 

Anyway, I am now aware that my body is actually reacting towards the trauma I've been experiencing due to my mom's frequent falls, and the helplessness I feel whenever I can't get her to just speak up and ask for help. It's been worrying me a lot because it feels like I have to step up even more in terms of care-giving. and i'm the only one carrying this responsibility at home. It just feels too much. I am completely exhausted. Even if I do get to sleep, I end up having these dreams, that seem more like nightmares that is a mirror of my reality of just being overwhelmed.

I can't wait for my retreat in Genting. I need to detach and rest and wait upon the Lord for peace, strength and direction.  I need to reset my boundaries for my own sake.