At the age of 15, I started experiencing migraines. At hindsight, I recall times when i felt dizzy, followed by slurring of speech and limb weakness. My family attributed it as low blood pressure. I was very active in sports, I did OK in my studies... My surgeon spoke of teenagers whose IQ deteriorate or would collapse while playing sports, only to find out that they had Moyamoya. That didn't happen to me.
During my college life, I began to feel more pain on a daily basis - ranging from body aches to migraines to tingling sensations. At this point, I was already labelled a "hypochondriac" by my family doctor because i had all these strange symptoms but tests would show i'm fine. It wasn't an easy time for me as my pain would be dismissed... However, i'm was blessed to have friends and a lecturer who took me seriously - taking me to see doctors, but of course... tests would again reveal that nothing was wrong with me.
The Lord had protected me through my 2 years of work after I graduated with my bachelor's degree. I had my pain but I was so used to it, it became part of my life that I had accepted.
It was when I was in the middle of my Masters program when my migraines occurred with such intensity that it was difficult to function. A coursemate suggested that I see a specialist at the hospital she was interning at. I did, and a brain scan was ordered. Next thing I knew - i was diagnosed with multifocal lacunar infarcts in 2011. I'd have to say that was THE most difficult time for me as I juggled my internship, my studies, and going for more tests to investigate my condition. With God's grace, I managed to graduate with a Master of Clinical Psychology. Deterioration of IQ, not quite so. But I noticed that my stamina to play sports for hours had dwindled a lot more. Unfortunately, even with the existence of this condition, "mind over matter" was the advice given to me to deal with the pain. Sometimes I felt judged too, that I couldn't control my pain better because i was a clinical psychologist. I guess sometimes people forget that clinical psychologists experience life and pain just like everyone else.
After graduation in 2012, I had turned down a job offer as I felt it wasn't for me... and that unemployment lasted several months until I was asked to work with a dear ex-lecturer, who later supported and encouraged me while i considered to move to Singapore in 2013 to work.
Strangely enough, I ended up doing something slightly different from what I was hired to do in Singapore - instead of conducting training, I was able to see patients in the inpatient and outpatient setting. Sometimes I do wonder if God's Hand was a part of this. A year later in early 2014, I had struggled with myself to extend my work contract as I wanted to return to Malaysia to serve my people. However, after much prayer, I decided to stay on for another year. At the same time, my migraines came back with a vengeance and off I went to the hospital in Singapore to get another MRI done in June 2014. This time... an even more serious condition was uncovered - I had Moyamoya Syndrome. As written in my previous post, this became like a de javu experience. 2 people had told me that it was a good thing that I had stayed on in Singapore, as I was then given this diagnosis...
At this time, my head of dept tells me that she knows a Malaysian lady who used to work at IMH as a Clinical Psychologist, she had also suffered from Moyamoya syndrome, which is a very RARE disease, and she could connect us both if I would like to speak to her. What were the odds of this happening? Coincidence? I truly do not believe so. Connecting with Winifred was what I needed and my Father in Heaven knew that. What is more, she had her surgery done just about the age that I am right now - she was 28 then. Knowing that someone really understood and empathized with my fears, my questions, my feelings, my thoughts... that comforted me.
Now, my struggle was to decide between seeking treatment in Singapore or Malaysia. The Singapore surgeon looked very promising but Malaysia seemed like a dead end as we did not know of any surgeons who could perform my surgery. Through networks, we were recommended a surgeon whom I have now decided to stick with - a surgeon who is careful, meticulous and patient-centered. The discussions with the insurance agent also bore fruit, and I realized that all my hospitalization and surgery expenses could be covered by my insurance! God had yet again provided for my needs, not lacking anything.
Reflecting on these events, all I can say is that my God is in control, He knows my needs and He provides with abundance! I'm a ticking time bomb to suffer a stroke but He has kept me safe throughout all these years. As my birthday approaches, I am learning to accept that I will be undergoing 2 major surgeries soon. I do not know if these surgeries would affect my functioning and that scares me. The fear of the unknown is one of my greatest fears. Yes, there are times when I cry and I am fearful of the upcoming surgeries but the Lord assures me through Christian songs, Bible verses and family/friends who have been so supportive. That being said, I am allowing myself space and time to grieve over my pain, the loss of opportunity to do things that I would love to experience - skydiving, bungee jumping, etc.
Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong—
They are weak, but He is strong.
Refrain
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me—He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Jesus loves me—He will stay
Close beside me all the way,
Then His little child will take
Up to Heaven for His dear sake
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand...
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