Sometimes I wonder how I would be able to persevere through this major trial...
Sometimes I grieve, feeling that I may not be able to do things I love - being adventurous, doing all kinds of adrenaline pumping activities...
Sometimes I feel afraid of losing my abilities. Something that I've taken for granted for years...
Since returning to Singapore after my brain scan in Malaysia, I've been on the go. Sorting out my work issues, packing my belongings and trying to find a tenant to replace me, preparing myself to return to Malaysia for good... the list is long. More often than not, I feel overwhelmed by all these things that I have to do. At this point, I have 2 weeks left in Singapore and my to-do list has not exactly shrunk. Unfortunately, these stressors don't help with my disease. With every strange pain I feel, with every increasing frequency and intensity of my headaches/migraines, it makes me realize my weakness, my mortality. The helplessness sometimes creeps in.
I took a stroll today at a nearby reservoir... It wasn't too hot, the scenery was beautiful and there was a breeze throughout. To me, the breeze was a reminder of God's presence. I may not be able to see Him, but I know He is there. That's when my conversation with God began.
"Father, can I really do this? I'm so afraid..."
"I don't know what is going to happen. It feels like my life is going to change after October 11..."
"What am I going to do? Will my life be at a standstill..?"
As I asked these questions... I saw the rippling waters and the beautiful greenery, felt the cooling breeze... and it made me realize that I was enjoying God's creation. He who created the world... also created me (fearfully and wonderfully). God makes no mistake, and allowing this trial in my life is no mistake.
While in the bus leaving the reservoir, I found a card made by Kharenee for my birthday this year. To be honest, I had forgotten about it (sorry Kharenee). Reading her message to me was like a breath of fresh air. It was an encouragement at a time when I've been feeling drained and insecure. She also reminded me of our Girls' Camp theme song several years back. I remembered reflecting with several girls back then during their morning devotion to personalize the lyrics, to really take the stand to cling on to God no matter what happens in life, and not allow ourselves to just sing for the sake of singing.
Today, I shall make this song my own...
Give me ears to hear that still, small voice,
And give me lips, forever willing to rejoice.
And may my eyes be lit with wisdom,
May I know the path that's true,
And I'll march with a heart courageous after You.
Chorus:
I'm marching on with a heart courageous,
I'll follow anywhere You want me to.
And should You lead me where the battle rages,
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
And when sorrow dims the light along my way,
Help me to see each time of darkness through eyes of faith,
A time for hope, a time for courage,
Knowing You will lead me through.
And I'll march with a heart courageous, after You.
And give me lips, forever willing to rejoice.
And may my eyes be lit with wisdom,
May I know the path that's true,
And I'll march with a heart courageous after You.
Chorus:
I'm marching on with a heart courageous,
I'll follow anywhere You want me to.
And should You lead me where the battle rages,
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
And when sorrow dims the light along my way,
Help me to see each time of darkness through eyes of faith,
A time for hope, a time for courage,
Knowing You will lead me through.
And I'll march with a heart courageous, after You.
Thank You, Lord for the reminder that You are always with me, no matter what the circumstance. Thank You for assuring and comforting me in the midst of my fear.
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
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